Mary Sue and the Revolving Ho Ring of Doom
by DianaBananna
Summary: The most hackneyed of all LOTR plots, the Mary Sue, gets filtered through my insane little mind. Expect to see some smut, lotsa meaningless garbage, and just pure silliness. Is it all trash? Yes, but please read it anyway.
1. Default Chapter

Yet another twisted tale that is sure to make people think, "This is the worst fic I've ever read!" but they're so much fun to write. So sit back and let the pure insanity of it all bring out a chuckle or two. Yes, I know LOTR or its characters don't belong to me and never will, I'm just borrowing them for awhile for my own sick pleasure so nah! On with the show.  
  
It 'twas a pure spring day when our heroine, let's just call her Elewyn (very mystical, ooohhh) was walking homeward from her school she attended. She was a very young girl, about sixteen, and had long flowing chestnut hair with big beautiful eyes that had a tinge of some odd color that was weird and not quite human. In fact you could say that she had an other-worldliness about her that made her stand out amongst her peers. Because of her otherworldly beauty, she was often taunted by her classmates and called her names, and couldn't join in any reindeer games. Poor, poor Elewyn, she was just too perfect and wished she could escape into a land that was a perfect as she  
When she arrived home she went straight to her room and plopped down on her bed and gazed longingly at her picture of Legolas above her bed. "Oh baby, I wish I could be in your world right now, you would fall in love with me for sure because I would make you fall in love with me with my perfection and modern pro feminist attitude! I'm uniquely different and you will be attracted to my uniqueness, oh yes."  
Her hand started to dip down into uncharted territory when bang! She frantically tried to get into a normal sitting position as her annoying little brother came charging into her room. "Hey sis, Ma says get yer butt down to dinner right now or you get another beatin' from yer Pa!" As he was about to leave, he glared at her suspiciously, "have you been fantasizin about that elven queer again, I told you about that!" With that he slammed the door and charged downstairs screaming maniacally.  
Mary Sue, oh I mean Eleymn rubbed the strain out of her eyes and stumbled out of her room and down the stairs. Oh I'm in big trouble now, she thought. Elewynmynnm was always getting in trouble with her stepparents for some reason or another and she again wished for escape. As she approached her stepmother, she knew there was bad news.  
'Oh Elewyn, how come you didn't do the breakfast dishes, mow the lawn, pluck the chickens, paint the house, or give your stepfather one of your sensual massages that he likes so much? Answer me brat!"  
She didn't know what to say, her bones still ached from yesterday's long list of chores and she felt that she could no longer go on with this abuse. So she mumbled apologies and promised to get started right away.  
A few round of beatings later she was out mowing the lawn and dreaming about life in Midle Earth with her heart's desire Legolas. "O my pretty, you will be mine."  
From the corner of her eye she saw a stirring in the edge of the woods. She turned off her mower and decided to investigate this strange event. Once she made her way past the dense patch of trees where she saw the rustle, there was this clearing that was strange to her and seemed out of place. She looked behind her and found that she was surrounded by thick tall trees. "Oh my, where am I?"  
Suddenly a strange creature emerged from the darkened wood and growled deeply. Elewyn could never remember ever seeing anything more revolting in her life, except her stepfather's ding dong, oops! She ran shrieking in fright, oh who will save her from this creature!  
Just as she came crashing to the ground over a large rock, she thought she was done for. She turned to the ugly being and tried to put on her most charming smile. The creature had no mercy, and as he was about the kill our fair maiden, an arrow whizzed out of nowhere and killed the creature instantly. Elevewy6n slowly turned her eyes to the most beautiful creature, man or woman, that she had ever seen, it was her Legolas!  
  
How do you like it so far? Should I go on with the insanity or get out while I still can? Review if ya like and remember that Jesus loves you! DianaBananna 


	2. Off with her head

Hi everyone, sorry it took so long to update but I kinda forgot about it (smiles sheepishly). So for all you legomance lovers out there, here we go again...  
  
Elewyn just sat there hardly able to believe her peepers, I mean come on she masturbates to this guy and here he is in the flesh. She stared and stared taking in his beauty when drool started to puddle on her lap.  
Legolas was puzzled by this strange girl who appeared out of fuckin' sowhere. "Um, and who are you fair maiden? Are you all right?  
Elewyn just kept droolin and starin when his musical voice brought her back to reality. "Oh yeah, um, hi or something. I don't know why but I can't remember my name, I must have fallen on my head, he he." She didn't really remember anything at all except that she really loved this strange elfin creature before her. What to do, what to do, she thought.  
Legolas watched the girl fidget uncomfortably before him and then he got a brilliant idea! "Hey, I got a fantastic idea, why don't you come with me to the Council of Elrond! He'll know what to make of you for sure, come on let's be off to the land of magic!"  
He helped Aelw6in to her feet and they skipped merrily off to the land of make believe? Little did they know that elew76yn was being tracked by the Terminator for in the future she bears the child of Legolas whom will save both Middle Earth and ours from the ultimate destruction, mwa ha ha!  
  
On the road, Elewyn couldn't remember ever being so happy, she really couldn't because of the whole amnesia thing, but anyway she really really enjoyed hearing Legolas sing his Elf Carols. "I wanna sex you up, you make me feel I want to, aw yeah, I wanna sex you up, woo hoo"  
When they finally arrived in Rivendell, Elewyn was tired and extremely percolated. I can't wait to get Blondie in the sack, but how do I do it? She stared at him as he brushed his long golden locks. "Ninety eight, ninety nine, one hundred. There now we're ready to go have some fun."  
Legolas and Elewin went skipping over the tra la la valley to Elrond's house to decide the fate of MIDDLE EARTH FOREVER!!!! 


	3. sexxxxxx, almost

We'reeee heeerrreee," stated Legolas, "and how?" thought Elopwynn.  
They approached the mystical looking city of Rivendell and Elewyn let out an audible gasp. She could hardly stand her excitement any longer, in fact she was so excited that she had to pee, really pee. She hopped around in place for a while and decided she couldn't hold it any longer  
"Umm, Leggie baby, I , uhmmmm need to , uh use the uh, bushes, ya know what I'm saying?;  
"What a strange child", thought Legolas. "Alright my lady, I'll wait over here by this waterfall and clean myself while you go relieve yourself." Right where he stood, he started to remove his tunic slowly and seductively.  
Eloweyn 's mouth dropped wide open and a steady stream of drool flowed from the corner of her mouth. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" She slowly backed away until he was no longer in sight. "Now time for pee!" she exclaimed. As she was doing her business, she felt a strange sensation like she should get off the path. She glanced down the road and she felt a sense of foreboding come over her. "I really should get the fuck outta here!"  
She stumbled with her pants down and hid in a nearby cave. As she peeked out, sure enough someone came walking down the path. The man had a very expressionless face, and was carrying what looked like a heavily armed machine gun. He stopped just outside the cave, looked around once, and mechanically walked away.  
Oh me oh my, thought Elewyn. Who could that have been, I better see what Legolas is up to. She sprinted out of the cave, and back to the waterfall where she left Leggie. "Legolas, you'll never believe what I saw!"  
To her disappointment, he was already dressed and had a towel wrapped around his hair. "I ran into this really big muscular guy with a machine gun thingy, I think he was after me!"  
"Hmm, how puzzling, Gandalf the Grey will know what to make of this, come young one." And off to Rivendell!!!  
  
Elowyn could hardly believe her eyes, Riverdale was just so astonishingly beautiful. All the little elvin nymphos running around in nothing but ivy leaves playing lazer tag, it was all too much. Once they arrived the first thing Leggie did was bring her straight to Gandalf, as promised.  
"My Grey one, this is the lady Elowytn, she has fallen from the sky and has come to bring us great fortune, right?" he pushed her forcefully into Gandalf's dusty robe and she smiled apologetically at him.  
"Look, sir, I don't know why I'm here but this really crazy looking guy is after me, can I go with you to be in your fellowship and stuff?" Elowyn looked up at Gandalf who puzzled for a moment.  
"Look young one, shut the fuck up, we haven't even come to that part of the movie, 'er book yet, so why don't you just let these beautiful elvyn maidens right here make you up to look like the elf I know that is inside of you."  
Just then three stunning elvin maidens came out of their hiding place and started giggling at Elowyen's strange attire. "Hey stop poking me!" she exclaimed.  
Legolas and Gandalf just stood there aquardly glancing at each other as if waiting for someone to do something. "Yeah, well we'll just let you do your thing and we'll umm, be right outside, byeee." Legolas threw Gandalf out of the room and slammed the door behind them leaving Eowlyn to her womanly duties.  
Five hours later Eloowyn was the spitting image of an elvin maiden, in long flowing robes of silver and blue and a diamond tiara. "Ohh, I feel totally elegant." she exclaimed. I wonder what Legolas will think of me now, she thought in her heart of hearts. "Thanks for all your help ladies." As she passed out tips to the elvin ladies who made their quick exit once they got what they came for, those bitches.  
"As she glanced at herself in the mirror she stated, "Time to get some pootie tang!" and left her chambers in search of her lovely elf, but who should she run into instead, oh no, oh yes! 


End file.
